Friday Fun: Murder Heights to be Rebranded

I love The Onion

BALTIMORE—In an effort to revitalize several distressed areas of the city, a coalition of local real estate developers announced ambitious plans Monday to rebrand Baltimore’s historic Murder Heights district.

“This community has rebounded tremendously in recent years, and we feel the name Murder Heights—due in part, perhaps, to the neighborhood’s somewhat checkered past—may carry with it some negative connotations,” said local builder Lawrence Vitali, speaking to reporters from the construction site of an upcoming condominium complex. “We’d never wish to overshadow the rich cultural vibrancy that has always made Murder Heights a unique and exciting place to live, but we believe the area’s bright future is better reflected by the name Oak Hill.”

“From Blunt Force Trauma Avenue all the way down to Corpse Dump Pier, it’s the dawning of a new day for this beloved neighborhood,” Vitali added before getting into his car and speeding away.

According to local historian Charles Younger, Murder Heights was named for one of its first settlers, Jonas Rutherford Murder, who built a home in the area in 1798 and, along with his wife and six children, was massacred by Powhatan Indians in 1801.

Happy Friday everyone!

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